More villains please

“LET GO OF ME, YOU GINGER BRUTE! LET GO! R2! R2!! WHERE ARE YOU R2?!!R-” *WHACK* “-too…”

Dear Ned he can scream. The twonk’s been like that for a good three hours now, screaming its circuits dry while my hairy accomplice does…well, whatever the heck he’s doing. I haven’t looked. My eardrums are throbbing enough already, even with ear-defenders. And I wouldn’t be of any use anyway. It sounds painful, but…well, considering lust is technically a sin, C-3PO shouldn’t be too surprised. We found him in the VIP suite behind a sound-proofed door.

“LET ME OUT!! I AM A HERO, FOR GOD’S- WHAT IS THAT? NO! NOT THAT!! LET ME-” *WHACK*

“Oook ook! OOk!”

Sometimes, it’s…well, necessary to be mean. Sometimes it makes sense. We’ve all had times when being evil felt good, even if only in the moment. The trouble usually is that in creating such a contradiction, you can be reasonably expected die pretty soon after, in case anyone else has a smart idea.

“DAMN YOU R2! I HOPE YOU BURN IN EVERY CIRCLE OF HELL!! I HOPE YOU WRITHE IN- ‘:@#!!#_ghhjg!4>hjg%32hjg^&hj)jk.//j…”

“Oook. Ook. Oook-ook-ook.”

It’s dangerous to be the bad guy. I’m pretty sure we’d count. Any minute now, we might well have Han Solo bearing down on us with an army of wookies and a messianic brother-in-law, no doubt intrigued by the morality behind our decision to ransack the golden boy of Endor because the orangutan wanted to.

“Oook?”

Explaining why is always tricky. Why do anything? There isn’t a great deal of morality between a good reason and bad one, ultimately.

The man who “liberated” Rapture by performing surgery on it’s children and collecting superpowers wasn’t far off the guy who also collected superpowers and decided to simply run the place instead. The robot who ran tests on someone because they were bored, in retrospect, was rather nice to the someone who passed those tests, gained invaluable life-experience about the application of physics, and more importantly SURVIVED.

*OOK ook ook-ook. Oook.”

A bad person isn’t necessarily evil, but they’re undoubtedly efficient. A cannibal who eats bad people is more remarkable than a cannibal who eats whoever walks around the corner. The former uses intellect and reason. They might well be incredibly good at other things, like economics. Would it be wrong to imprison them if, alongside dining on rapists and thieves, they could be helping to solve a nationwide financial crisis too?

“Oook! Oook-ook oook oook!”

Heck. Sometimes you need someone around to give the good guys something good to do. Bruce Wayne would’ve spent his entire life punching poor people in some foreign prison, if not for the league of ninja Qui-Gon Jinn.

Luke Skywalker would be boring as hell without the title of universal hero on his CV. Hobbits would still be acknowledged as a race of fat lazy midgets if Sauron hadn’t tried to take over, and master Frodo would have undoubtedly ensured mother Gamgee never got any grandchildren either.

The dwarf in the flask was doing everyone a favor when he made himself a new Hoenheim- he virtually ended slavery, and the original Hoenheim got his freedom. Not bad for something that wasn’t even the same species. Imagine a cat doing that, or a dog for that matter. No chance.

“Oook.”

“…quark (wow).”

…the irony is that no one could ever actually like a villain for being a villain. It’s in the job description. I doubt Han Solo is going to forgive me for this, ever. But maybe he aught to have something to feel pissed off about. He’s a universally-accepted hero. And maybe that’s a fight we want to see. At least we’ll be able to understand each other now. Mr orangutan here is a freakin’ genius. He can take the wookie- who knows, they might even just click and share a pint together.

C-3PO’s contribution to the universe wasn’t much, when you really think about it. He didn’t kill Jar Jar Binks. He simply translated what R2 said, in order for everyone to agree with R2, and then speak directly to R2 regardless. It’s debatable if robots can feel pain anyway- Anakin must’ve been feeling cruel if, for reasons of his own, he decided to give his creation a nervous system.

Besides, this thing is awesome, in an odd kinda way. It reminds me of…what was it? HH mentioned them once. Like a…sackboy? Only…eurgh…I can’t remember. Like a Sackboy that got it’s head stuck in an incredibly small fridge. A cubehead? I don’t know. It’s pretty small, and it doesn’t do much. Maybe it should have been given a pair of hands. I’d better ask, now that its possible. Just as soon as we’ve left this sector.

The orange Einstein couldn’t bring himself to remove all the gold. I feel like its gonna start dancing at any minute. And then women will appear- human women, in skimpy outfits and glitzy shoes. And we’ll be forced into sunglasses and badly-fitting T-shirts…

…still. Even if it did, it’s still more awesome than the golden boy of verbal panic attacks. Thank god that’s over.

R2 is in for a rough time if there really is such thing as “hell”…

W

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